How to Stay Calm with Some People: 3 Basic Strategies

Doctor of Psychology, expert and researcher in psychoanalysis. Writer and founder of Psicoadvisor

There are people who really make us lose our temper, they prevent us from controlling the feeling of anger that quickly grows inside us until it explodes. These can be people who are extremely perfectionistic and overly critical… The truth is that their behavior ultimately undermines our psychological balance, destabilizes us and thus generates anger.

However, it is important to note that we are the ones who give permission for people to make us angry, and we are the ones who allow their behavior to resonate within us, thus destabilizing us. After all, we must remember that only what truly matters to us can harm us. Therefore, every time we allow someone to unleash our anger, it is as if we are thinking: “What this person thinks of me is more important than what I think“In this way we lose control and give it to the other, and we lose the battle before we even start it.

Anger must be acknowledged

If we go back and look at our lives, we realize how every memory is accompanied by an emotion. Signs of emotion and colors in every moment making it unique. From a young age we can feel emotions and become capable of anger. This is because anger, fear, joy, and sadness are innate feelings. There is no one to teach us to laugh, be afraid, or be sad when we are born. We are born with these feelings, and they are not only innate, but also universal.

In everyday life, small events can sometimes happen that trigger unknown feelings. One of your colleagues may make fun of you. I hope someone finds a spot in the parking lot I saw. It often happens that we are dealing with smart people. However, at the same time, they may appear arrogant and unable to communicate in a polite and courteous manner with others. These subjects lack what is called emotional intelligence in psychology.

The importance of accepting your emotions

There are people who remain authentically calm in all circumstances because they have developed self-confidence and belief that problems are meant to be solved, and that no matter what happens, they know that the end of the world will not happen and that things will work out. These people have achieved inner balance. Then there are those people who, when things go wrong, get angry and fly into a rage, pointing fingers at unfortunate relatives and friends.

Shifting our attention away from ourselves is easier, because it helps us free ourselves from all responsibility and thus avoid having to work to control our anger. It is easier to blame someone else for our anger than to look for the reasons within ourselves. After all, we have been taught to believe that anger is a response to certain environmental conditions.

But this is only a small part of the truth. The truth is that our emotions and feelings are our responsibility, because even if we cannot choose how we feel in certain circumstances, we can choose how we respond to them. We have the power to modify our reactions and maintain control! So, every time we allow someone to make us angry, we are giving up control, giving them importance they may not have, and most of all, we are allowing them to take away a valuable asset: our emotional stability.

Accepting that emotions are our feelings and that we can choose how to respond can make us afraid, because it means taking on enormous responsibility, but at the same time, it opens up a world of new possibilities because it invites us to get to know each other. Better ourselves, to delve into ourselves to understand why we react a certain way.

How do you stay calm?

If we think about it, responding angrily to someone is like putting our emotional stability in their hands. But can you entrust your psychological balance to a stranger who is, among other things, rude and unpleasant? From a rational point of view, the answer is an emphatic “no.” However, emotionally, this is what we do every time we get angry. Therefore, it is important that you learn to remain calm. Responding calmly gives strength. And a lot.

1. Discover the origin of anger

Usually the person in front of us is not just the flame that lit the fuse. In fact, we may have become angry because we had a bad day, because something didn't go as planned, or because we have too many expectations from a work meeting. One way or another, we can find the cause of anger within ourselves. There is no point in looking for him outside! Practicing looking within ourselves will allow us to shift our attention from the outside to the inside, and a simple change in perspective will allow us to regain control of the situation.

2. Don't take it personally

We often get angry because we assume that the other person's behavior or attitude is a personal attack. But this never happens, it is a misinterpretation. In fact, what happens is that our ego, which is often enormous, makes us believe that certain situations are a personal attack, because we have overly identified with the experience. Therefore, it is important that we learn how to evaluate situations by assuming the correct emotional distance, so that we can develop a more objective and rational perspective. The world is not conspiring against us, it is just a distorted perception of our enormous ego.

3. Change your way of thinking

In order to remain calm in more complex situations, you may think that anger is a kind of gift. If someone is trying to make us angry, we can decide whether or not to let them do so. If we accept this “gift,” we will become angry and the person will gain power over us. On the contrary, if we do not accept it, if we do not follow the game of insults and provocations, he will have no choice but to keep all those toxic feelings to himself. Let us always remember this! There are people who act as if they are “garbage trucks” emotionally. I'm referring to toxic people, but it is up to us to accept that they are unloading these toxic feelings on us. However, it is always appropriate to keep in mind a famous quote from Aristotle: “Anyone can get angry, it's very simple. But getting angry at the right person, for the right amount, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way is certainly not easy.”

the control

Although you can't always control everything that happens in your life, you can control how you react and how you lead your life. Knowing how to take care of yourself is a test of maturity. In fact, when you are responsible enough to respond to your own needs, you will not need to depend on other people; This means being completely independent and choosing freely how to manage your personal qualities.

When you start focusing on yourself, the only people you risk losing are those who have always been “parasitic,” not those who value you for who you are. At first, the idea of ​​removing some major loss may scare you, but the more your confidence boosts, the happier you'll be because you've accomplished a human pruning. In this case, pruning is not about the person who will be sent away, but about the emotional resources you decide to stop investing!

You can use these resources for yourself, to enhance your well-being at other times and in other places. Try to make your life a work of art one second at a time. Remember that time passed never returns and that every hour can have your voice: you can live it by committing from 0 to 10. It can give you back the corresponding happiness. How about an existence where you can listen, understand your most authentic needs and, above all, respect them? A life where the security you seek is already within you, ready for use…just waiting to be snatched away! Well, a life like this is possible and you're worth it.

Those who give up the idea of ​​taking responsibility for themselves also give up the possibility of a fulfilling life. Well, then each of us must take charge of ourselves, and take responsibility for our own well-being! This assumption of responsibility will ultimately lead one to make a choice in one's life, which is the natural choice of connections, keeping only true people (who do not blame and who have learned, like us, to take responsibility for themselves). If you finally want to take care of yourself and consider yourself the priority of your life, I advise you to read my book «We get sick from love, and we heal from loveYou can find it in all bookstores and on Amazon. To this address.

Edited by Anna Maria Sepe, psychologist and founder of Psicoasvisor magazine
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