SPORTSTAKE: You need to think about it, Coach
By Bryce Arens
Dear Coach Miles,
As you may have heard, we students haven’t come around your gym too much the last few years. Probably won’t be there much this season, either.
Coach Tim Miles, I enjoy you on Twitter (@coachmiles), I like the Runzas you graciously give out and your ads at the football games are kind of cute, but you are just grazing the surface of putting red bodies in the seats. Think about this, Coach:
In the early season, bring in your boss, Tom Osborne, for one last coaching gig. Put Dr. Tom on the bench against University of Nebraska-Omaha and watch a sell out happen. A game that would get no love on SportsCenter is now getting a highlight montage relating a Benny Parker drive and kickout to Rey Gallegos to Tommie Frazier pitching to Lawrence Phillips for an option score. Sell commemorative gear, fill seats and make money. Put yourself in the Lil Red suit and after the game pop out. Then watch as the crowd takes a minute to figure out the dorky looking guy is actually the coach. Meanwhile, Osborne will become the most remembered coach in basketball program history. You could get there too, Coach, if you just follow me further.
You need to own the goofball façade you project. This season is a throwaway; the main objective is to get butts in the seats. Strap on a camera and parachute into Memorial Stadium for the final home football game and when you hit the ground demolish four Runzas on the spot. Give a vendor kid a thousand season ticket packages and tell him to hand them out; you have some pizza to sell. Walk up and down the steps selling Val’s and Runzas that conveniently have a ticket to the Creighton game inside. Pocket the money, find Larry the Cable Guy and offer him a job as the new PA announcer for games.
Before the second half, find Ron Kellogg in the locker room and offer him a starting role on your team. He leaves, you put on his gear and instead of signaling in plays you hold up a sign that invites people to your games. The camera will find you. Later claim confusion when the older Ron Kellogg comes off the bench and automatically becomes your best player. At the end of the game lead the students in tearing down the goalposts and carrying them into the Devaney Center. Promptly block all exits and do not open them until March.
Or, you could win, Coach. It won’t take much. Tweet a photo from the bench of an NCAA tournament game and all will be forgotten. Just might take a few pizza deliveries in North Stadium to get there. Think about it, Coach.